Missing Chapstick From Pockets of Stolen Atwater Jackets Found

On Wednesday morning, the Department of Public Safety was tipped off to a gym locker filled with dozens of used chapsticks, of all different shapes and sizes, presumably from the string of Atwater stolen jacket incidents.

DPS has told our reporting staff that there has been an ongoing look into the trend of coincidental thefts since as early as mid-November, when people first started drunkenly depositing their coats into massive piles.

“We don’t blame the kids who throw their jackets into the bottom of stairwells at all, they definitely aren’t asking for trouble” says DPS Associate Director K (ADK)

DPS thought they caught the “Jacket Bandit” after seeing a black student leaving Atwater one night in January while wearing a Canada Goose coat, but after some interrogation, and the student showing photo evidence that they have owned the jacket since before coming to Middlebury, the student was released from custody.

“We thought we had our culprit, all signs pointed to yes, but it was just a false flag, that happens sometimes,” ADK said.

“Our plan is to continue making students feel guilty before we have even talked to them, by sending out ambiguous e-mails and withholding basic information as to why we are interrogating them. This tool works greatly; because even thought it may be causing the 9 innocent students out of 10 undue stress, especially during midterm season, it is worth it for the chance to bring one bad apple to justice.”

Our staff spoke more with ADK, and it appears the thief takes the jackets, searching for ones that exclusively have chapstick in them, stash said colorful tubes of lip balm, and either relocate or completely dispose of the jackets.

In a statement from the school’s administration following the thief’s haul being seized, they said “We are looking closely into the situation, but cannot comment any further regarding the investigation at this time.”

Brad Brody Announces Bid for Second Year Senator Position

Brad Brody ’22, the popular first-year student who missed out on one of the two First Year Senator posts by only a few votes, has announced he will be throwing his hat into the ring again this year.

“I believe I can accurately represent the majority of students on this campus,” Brad Brody told a Middlebury Mustard reporter, who grabbed a quick interview with the Freshman while he was on his way out of the Athletic Center, “plus, being 23 years old means that I have much more life experience than the other students in my graduating class.”

When our reporter asked why Brody thinks his first campaign went amiss, the political hopeful claimed he didn’t do a good enough job making sure everybody was heard: “My last campaign focused on POC representation, now I will do LGBT rights too, no homo.”

“I have played with gay guys on my team before and they’re good, I treat good teammates the same, it’s a no brainer!”

Brody also clarified that he is still going to fight for adding a third line at dining halls, which was one of his most popular selling points, and he still wants to push for increased accessibility for athletes.

Middlebury Freshmen Thankful for Constant E-mails From First-Year Senators, New Survey Finds

On Monday, the SGA released results from a closed-group survey, taken of students whose Microsoft Outlook data shows they have opened every e-mail addressed to the first-years mailing list.

Of the 3 students whose results were collected, 67% of the respondents rated their experience with the First-Year Senators e-mails to be positive.

In the free-response section of the survey, one anonymous student remarked: “Having my phone go off in the middle of class can be very awkward, but I breathe a sigh of relief when I see it’s an informative e-mail from my first-year senator.”

“Just seeing that message start off with ‘Haihaihai’ or ‘Haiii y’all’ really gets rid of the embarrassment that comes with my phone beeping while my professor is speaking.”

Another student, who also chose to remain anonymous, said they would have forgotten about the First-Year Dinner but they are grateful that their Senator sent four reminder e-mails in the span of 15 minutes.

“It’s really refreshing; some might find it annoying but how could you? Our senator wrote ‘Big Sorry!’ in one of the e-mails so clearly, he didn’t mean any harm. If anything, we all need to be given that extra push sometimes.”